When I was a child my father loved to take us for rides on Sunday afternoons. Rarely did we have any idea where we were going or might end up. As we wandered along the roads, back roads and even cow tracks near our town, we often found ourselves in strange places.
More than once we ended up on a road that ended in the middle of nowhere or that came to an abrupt end at a barbed wire fence. When that happened, my dad simply laughed, turned the car around and said, “Well, at least we know where we aren’t going.”
Life is often like our aimless Sunday afternoon drives — the roads we travel may take us to some unknown or unanticipated places, and we can find ourselves on a dead end road. At that point we have the same choice my dad did — we can either stay stuck where we are, or we can take it in good humor and turn around.
Which direction to go is often our biggest dilemma. The choices we make are often determined by what we think we can do or achieve, and what we will allow ourselves to have. This, in turn, is often determined by what we think of ourselves, much of which has been instilled in us and programmed by others.
Ben W. is a perfect example. Nothing ever seemed to quite work out for him. As an adult, he struggled with relationships, and after three failed marriages, gave up on the whole idea. He could never keep a job either, or hold onto money. To Ben, life was totally unfair — other people always got the breaks, and everyone just had it in for him.
As a child he had been bullied at school by his classmates and repeatedly punished by teachers who told him he was lazy and stupid. At home he was labeled a “screw up” and a dummy, and was constantly reminded by his family that he was “no good” and would never amount to anything. At sixteen Ben had an argument with his third stepmother, which resulted in his father throwing him out and telling him to get out of their lives and not come back.
As a result, Ben dropped out of school, lived on the streets for a time, and to ease his anxiety and despair, got involved with drugs and alcohol. The only emotion Ben felt comfortable expressing was anger, and there were plenty of opportunities for him to do that. He was truly heading for a dead end.
Then, through a series of unforeseen circumstances, Ben came to the attention of a kindly man who began to help Ben turn his life around. Encouraged by his new mentor, Ben gradually began to make changes in his life. These were small steps at first, followed by bigger ones as time went on. For the first time ever he had someone to believe in him. As he began to experience the transforming power of unconditional love and acceptance, he eventually started believing in himself. It was a life-altering experience.
Like Ben, we may have to experience our own catastrophe to make us realize we too need to turn around. It can often take a metaphorical two by four to the head to make us pay attention and realize that if we truly want life to get better, we cannot stay stuck where we are. It comes down to a conscious choice.
We can either do what we’ve always done — keep making the same old mistakes, wallowing in self pity, hanging out with the complainers and lamenting our misfortunes in life, or we can start pulling ourselves up.
How and where do you start?
1. Examine your thoughts and beliefs.
What kind of negative self talk goes on in your head and what is your opinion of yourself? Do you constantly put yourself down and beat yourself up for your shortcomings? What was your family’s opinion of you and what did you hear over and over when you were a child? If you learned early in life to think of yourself as a loser, are undeserving or worthless, your life undoubtedly reflects that.
2. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim and quit blaming others for your circumstances.
Start taking responsibility for your own actions; acknowledge you have played a major role in getting where you are. It no longer matters what you did in the past — the only thing that matters now is what you are going to do about the future.
3. Who might be able to help you?
Do you have a role model or someone you admire — at home, church, school or work who might be willing to lend a hand, brainstorm ideas with you, or become a mentor? Recognizing when you need help and being willing to ask for it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
4. Stop making excuses and start making a plan.
Even if you think you have no options, you need to change your mind about that too. It is easy to fall back on old excuses. It’s the economy. It’s my family. There are no other jobs. I’m not good enough. I don’t have any money. It is not possible. This is just how it is.
The real truth is, no matter what our circumstances are, we still have choices no matter how small they seem. In a single day, we make hundreds of choices about hundreds of things, even if they seem so insignificant they are unnoticeable. We can choose to stay in bed or ignore the alarm clock. We can wear this outfit or that one. We can clean the kitchen or watch TV. We can call a friend, or wallow in misery all by ourselves. And so it goes. Your job is to come up with a list of things you can do that will start turning you around and heading in a different direction. You may be surprised at how many there are.
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Judith Albright, MA, is a stress management specialist.
Josh’s Commentary: What was your biggest takeaway or lesson learned from the ideas shared in the above article? One thing that really stood out in my mind was the example of Ben, and how over time, as he began to experience achievements, albeit small to start out, his belief system began to grow.
I’m a big believer in the idea that success begets success, which is to say that just like a snowball heading down hill can pick up additional snow, and thus grows larger, so too can our personal & professional accomplishments buildup our inner beliefs which in-turn makes it more likely that we’ll at least attempt, bigger undertakings, which is often what’s needed to gain greater rewards for the risk of having put ourselves out their to try in the first place. Greatness is a part of who you are, but you have be in it to win it as the saying goes! 🙂
… It’s your life, LIVE BIG! Josh Hinds